Your secret is safe with me: Shaquille O'Neal

Dear Shaquille O’Neal,

Congratulations on being traded to the Phoenix Suns. You could very well be on your way to another championship. The only problem is the Suns think they’re getting a dominate post player, and you seem to be experiencing an identity crisis. You don’t believe me? Let me remind you of this quote:

“…when I am done playing, I plan on going undercover and then being the sheriff or chief of police somewhere…”

You said that. But how would you go under cover? You seem to think that your size is a secret, but you’re 7’ 1” and weigh about 540 lbs (give or take a couple hundred pounds). Undercover work probably isn’t going to happen. Maybe cloud cover could cover you, but not much else.

So, before you embarrass yourself and ask Steve Nash if you can try on his shoes, remember this…you’re huge! You’re not an undercover agent anymore than you’re a point guard. In fact, you could probably floss with a point guard.

You should have some fun with your size. Maybe you can have your entourage set up toy buildings, or even an entire city. You can pretend you’re Godzilla and wave your arms around in circles and roar!

Anyway, good luck with the Suns and good luck with the undercover work, Sneaky. I’m not sure that your secret is really a secret, but it’s still safe with me.

Sincerely,

R. LeBaron