Your secret is safe with me: Emmitt Smith

Dear Emmitt Smith,

Congratulations on completing your first season as an NFL commentator for ESPN. A lot of people have been poking fun at your command of the English language. It certainly didn’t help that Jimmy Kimmel aired this highlight video on his show.

I admire your restraint. You could have lashed out against your critics in a double negative laced tirade, but you have taken the high road.

I happen to know that secretly, you are teaching us proper English by first showing us all of the ways not to say something. It's a long, painstaking and thankless mission.

Sometimes you even slip up and start to say something that's grammatically correct, but then you catch yourself and intentionally mess it up. Thank you.

You are like a modern day Mr. Miyagi. Just like Daniel-san didn't understand how waxing cars would improve his karate, people don't realize that your (intentionally) bad grammar is subliminally improving our English skills.

Just like "paint-a-fence" and "sand-a-floor" somehow turned into serious karate moves at just the right time, I think one day you'll say, "Show me blowed out", and we'll suddenly realize we know how to speak proper English.

You are wise beyond your beard Emmitt, and your secret is safe with me.

Sincerely,

R. LeBaron