Your secret is safe with me: Ichiro

Dear Ichiro,

Few people are cool enough to be known by only one name. You make it look easy.

You even have your first name on the back of your Seattle Mariners jersey. No one else would dare try a move like that.

You are powerful. I believe you invented Sudoku.

You are probably secretly worried you will turn out like Fabio or Yani or Alf. But you will not become one of those flash-in-the-pan-one-name-only-people. I believe you will be the next Cher...or Batman!

Until then, your secret is safe with me.

Sincerely,

R. LeBaron

Your secret is safe with me: Emmitt Smith

Dear Emmitt Smith,

Congratulations on completing your first season as an NFL commentator for ESPN. A lot of people have been poking fun at your command of the English language. It certainly didn’t help that Jimmy Kimmel aired this highlight video on his show.

I admire your restraint. You could have lashed out against your critics in a double negative laced tirade, but you have taken the high road.

I happen to know that secretly, you are teaching us proper English by first showing us all of the ways not to say something. It's a long, painstaking and thankless mission.

Sometimes you even slip up and start to say something that's grammatically correct, but then you catch yourself and intentionally mess it up. Thank you.

You are like a modern day Mr. Miyagi. Just like Daniel-san didn't understand how waxing cars would improve his karate, people don't realize that your (intentionally) bad grammar is subliminally improving our English skills.

Just like "paint-a-fence" and "sand-a-floor" somehow turned into serious karate moves at just the right time, I think one day you'll say, "Show me blowed out", and we'll suddenly realize we know how to speak proper English.

You are wise beyond your beard Emmitt, and your secret is safe with me.

Sincerely,

R. LeBaron

Your secret is safe with me: Shaquille O'Neal

Dear Shaquille O’Neal,

Congratulations on being traded to the Phoenix Suns. You could very well be on your way to another championship. The only problem is the Suns think they’re getting a dominate post player, and you seem to be experiencing an identity crisis. You don’t believe me? Let me remind you of this quote:

“…when I am done playing, I plan on going undercover and then being the sheriff or chief of police somewhere…”

You said that. But how would you go under cover? You seem to think that your size is a secret, but you’re 7’ 1” and weigh about 540 lbs (give or take a couple hundred pounds). Undercover work probably isn’t going to happen. Maybe cloud cover could cover you, but not much else.

So, before you embarrass yourself and ask Steve Nash if you can try on his shoes, remember this…you’re huge! You’re not an undercover agent anymore than you’re a point guard. In fact, you could probably floss with a point guard.

You should have some fun with your size. Maybe you can have your entourage set up toy buildings, or even an entire city. You can pretend you’re Godzilla and wave your arms around in circles and roar!

Anyway, good luck with the Suns and good luck with the undercover work, Sneaky. I’m not sure that your secret is really a secret, but it’s still safe with me.

Sincerely,

R. LeBaron

Your secret is safe with me: David Stern

Dear David Stern,

I heard the news that the best and brightest from the NBA Development League are going to have a H-O-R-S-E competition during the NBA All-Star Weekend later this month. Good move. Nothing says “edge of your seat excitement” like a bunch of guys who couldn’t make it in the NBA, calling bank shots and giggling as they yell “Prove it!”

What the average basketball fan might not know is that your little game of horse is being protested by the WNBA. I don’t blame them-- you’re threatening their livelihood.

When I think of a basketball game featuring an overabundance of three-pointers, lay-ins and giggling, I think of the WNBA. They’ve been very successful at turning what is basically a high-paced game of horse, into a sporting event that literally tens if not hundreds of people pay good money to watch.

Be careful with this one, Mr. Stern. It could be a public relations disaster if word gets out that you are disrespecting your sister league. Lucky for you, your S-E-C-R-E-T is safe with me.

Sincerely,

R. LeBaron