Your secret is safe with me: Barry Bonds

Dear Barry Bonds,

I heard the news that you might be going to the slammer. But for what? For being funny? They say you lied under oath, that you said you never knowingly took steroids-- you just used flaxseed oil. Don't they know you weren't being serious? Can't they take a joke? You're more than a baseball player. Don't they know that Barry Bonds is, first and foremost, a comedian? Just have them ask Jeff Kent.

Tell them sometimes you pretend Tic Tacs are special breath pills, and you swallow them whole instead of chewing them. Then they'll know you're serious about comedy.

If you need more proof, show them a photo of you dressed up as Paula Abdul. That was hilarious. You were you, but with a wig on. You sort of looked like Serena Williams.

I know you don't want anyone to know what a jokester you are, but is your secret worth going to prison over?

If you go to prison, I'll miss seeing your funny antics in the outfield. When a ball was hit into the gap, you would jog after it like you had all day. You would pretend that you were too cool to hustle. Some people said you were apathetic, or that you only cared about hitting home runs, but I would tell them it was all a big joke. They couldn't see that you were a comedic artist, and the outfield was your canvas.

You are a funny guy Barry, and your secret is safe with me.

Sincerely,

R. LeBaron