Dear Chuck Knoblauch,
I’m glad to hear that you’re back. Maybe you didn’t know, but people were looking for you. The House Oversight Committee tried calling you a few times.
I don’t blame you for not answering your phone. I bet your caller ID said “House Oversight”. You probably thought there was a problem with your house. Maybe the man would say “There’s been an oversight. You don’t really have a house.” I wouldn’t answer either.
As much sense as that makes, I don’t think it’s the real reason you didn’t answer your phone. I think you didn’t answer because you weren’t home. I think you were away undergoing a medical procedure. Having a third ear removed perhaps?
Thanks to the interview your former New York Yankees teammate, Roger Clemens M.D., gave on 60 Minutes, everyone knows that steroid use causes you to grow a third ear. It’s science.
No wonder you had to disappear to have that taken care of. Everyone would have known for sure that you used steroids. By the way, if you’re thinking about earning some extra cash by pulling tractors with your teeth, that’s out too.
Anyway Chuck, glad to have you back. Try to relax. Maybe kick-back and take some time to peruse the Mitchell Report. And don’t worry about your secret, because it’s safe with me.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Dear Eli Manning,
The first time I saw your Eli Manning is unstoppable commercial, I thought it was a skit for Saturday Night Live. I never knew you were so funny. I mean, it was a joke, right?
Don't take this the wrong way, but you doing a commercial that basically says "Eli Manning is unstoppable" is like a commercial that says "Peyton Manning is unmarketable", "The Cinncinatti Bengals are unarrestable" or "Glass Joe is unhittable". In other words, it's funny stuff.
The great thing for you and the Giants is, apparently, the Green Bay Packers (not to mention the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Dallas Cowboys) took the ad seriously.
Some people take a long time to get jokes. I bet it's hitting them now. They got knocked out of the playoffs-- no chance at the Super Bowl. Their season is over, and it's all a big joke. I bet they're giggling like crazy.
Anyway, as long as no one lets the New England Patriots in on the joke before the Super Bowl— the Giants will be champs!
Lucky for you I'm "unstoppable" at keeping secrets, and yours is safe with me.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Dear Tiger Woods,
You are the greatest golfer ever. Some people say you are one of kind, that’s there’s no one else like you, that they broke the mold when they made you. But we both know that’s not true.
Take away your fame, the endorsement deals, thirteen majors, and kajillions of dollars, and we’re basically the same person.
Sure you hit laser straight drives and I have a world-class slice that inexplicably turns into a world-class hook at a moment's notice. You’re also known for your steely nerves on the putting green, and I have more yips than a dog pound. But I’m pretty impressive in my own right.
Check out these accomplishments:
• I was able to do my own laundry by age 27.
• I can find Waldo almost every time.
• I have successfully overcome a potentially devastating addiction (gummy bear vitamins).
• I know how to count backwards from ten all the way to BLAST OFF!
So yes, Tiger, you are a great golfer, but let’s face the facts— when it comes to being successful at life, you have met your match (but your secret is safe with me).
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Dear Kobe Bryant,
When you give interviews, you sound like a strange combination of Michael Jordan and Alex Rodriguez. The way you say the word "basketball" makes me grimace.
Why do you always say you love "the game of basketball"? Why are you so specific? Are you afraid that if you say, "I love basketball", that an actual basketball will think that you love it? Are you afraid that it won't love you back?
I love ice cream, but I would never go around saying, "I love the food of ice cream". I just say, "I love ice cream". If a certain ice cream thinks I'm in love with it, it would just have to have its feelings melted. (Sorry ice cream, that's just how I feel about it.)
Good luck working through your basketball love dilemma. In the meantime, your secret is safe with me.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Dear Peyton Manning,
Can you be in any more commercials? It's as if my television threw up and all that was in its stomach was you and Reggie Bush.
While some claim you would tattoo the MasterCard logo on your forehead if the price was right, I think you are actually using these commercials to subliminally teach us valuable life lessons.
Here are some of the things I have learned from you:
*When a giant cloud of hot steam scalds your face, simply rub some dirt on it to alleviate the pain.
*When in a battle with a rival, fill their bath tub with chili.
*If you don't have rock hard abs by age 23, it's probably not going to happen. (This one stings a little.)
*Your brother, Eli, is the whiner of the family (not actually ever stated, I'm just assuming).
Anyway Peyton, it's obvious you don't do these commercials for the money-- you do it because you are a teacher. You're like a Gandhi in shoulder pads, and your (subliminal) secret is safe with me.